He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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