Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
