He uses pillows to masturbate.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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