I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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