I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
