The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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