The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
