Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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