We named our party play list daddy issues
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
