Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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