someone threw a dead crab at me
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
