Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
