ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
