i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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