pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
