Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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