I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
