I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
