I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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