i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
