i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
