i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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