I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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