Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
