i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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