I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
