I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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