He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize