I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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