Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
