Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
