I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
