I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize