Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize