oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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