Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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