My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
