Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
