I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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