one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
