Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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