Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize