Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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