I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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