there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
