I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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