she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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