: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
