Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
