You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize