I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
