My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
