Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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