Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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