OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
