Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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