I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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