God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
