i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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