Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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