You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize