if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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